Almost Lover

The green, wooden door closed quietly as I stood on the porch staring at my wet shoes. The cold rain continued to fall from the dark sky onto my shivering, lonely skin. I looked at my hands as if the answers were written on them. I knew I was crying, but the rain camouflaged my tears. My legs were stuck on the concrete as if they were trees unwilling to be uprooted. The porch light went dim signaling me to dismiss myself from the property. I took one last glance at the door and turned away from all that my heart had come to love so deeply. I took the first step off the porch when the puddle of water underneath my left foot was deeper than expected. The only pain I felt as I lay on the flooded ground was the pain inside my chest. I finally managed to drag myself into the car and drive away from the line of houses. The only word I was capable of speaking was "No." 

     The road in front of me seemed blurry, but it became clear it was my mind that was in a fog. I was too impaired to be driving. I pulled into the driveway, reached for the knob to turn the lights off and stepped out of the vehicle. I took a deep breath and stumbled into the garage. I unlatched the door and collapsed to the floor. I noticed the ring on my right hand and I felt the warm drops falling from my eyes. I only let a few tears fall before I stood up and made my way upstairs. I crawled into bed and lay there numb to any feeling that a person was able to conjure up in their body. I was empty. isolated. deserted. abandoned. 

     My face was expressionless for 17 weeks. There were days I couldn't even manage to pull the blankets away from my thinning body. There were days I laid on the floor, because I thought being in a comfortable bed would make me happy and that was one feeling I never wanted to become familiar with again. Anytime I saw your face, I buried mine. Anytime you smiled, I dismissed myself from the room to wipe away the uncontrollable streams flowing from my eyes. When i heard your laugh, I felt every bit of what was left of me slowly perish. I was broken. 

     On the last day of the 17th week, I woke up to the sun streaming in the window throwing parallel lines up against the wall. I placed my feet on the carpet and walked over the picture of us still hanging in the room. I reached up, pulled the frame from the wall, looked at your features one last time and placed the picture in the dresser drawer. My body had become frail and tired as well as my mind emotionally drained. It was time to put the pieces back together. Before I knew it, I was packing clothes and writing on boxes. The fear of starting over was overpowered by my desire to feel something again. 

     That was over a year ago. 

     Saying the past 14 months have been the best of my life, would be an understatement. The day I made the difficult decision to walk away from the torture I found myself living in was the day I found hope. Everyone watched as the flower no one thought could be revived, began growing taller and stronger than any other blossom in the garden. And I'm not done growing. My thoughts flutter around him occasionally wondering what he is thinking or feeling. I'm quick to remind myself that it should never be that easy to walk away from someone you want standing next to you till the day you find yourself meeting God. The love I had for you was stronger than anything I've ever felt, and the road I've been traveling has it's repercussions from the anger and sadness I sometimes feel. Then road is slowly being paved and smoothed over though. I'm sitting her smiling unsure of how I made it through, but knowing I not only survived, but was able to thrive in the midst of disaster. 

So long my luckless romance, My back is turned on you.

Should have known you'd bring me heart ache. Almost lovers always do.

Pursuit

     Reaching behind the desk to find the stubborn pencil that once again rolled off the wood surface, my hand caught a crumbled piece of paper. I unwrinkled the sheet to discover a list. A smile came across my face as i had uncovered a bucket list made at some point in my past. I sat the record of aspirations aside and began writing again. My eyes and thoughts wondered back to the list quite frequently. I couldn't help but ponder what was holding me back from completing the adventures written on that page. After all, that page was filled with my true desires. Dreams more important than the life I was currently living. That's all they were though.. Dreams.

     I began questioning how many people had crumbled up dreams hidden behind reality that they would never complete. If I continue placing my goals under the stack of everyday life, will I ever truly feel satisfied? No. Life feels like a schedule. We must obtain a job, live in routine to support ourselves and constantly think about all the other things we could be doing. What if we were actually doing those "other things"? What if we were actually pursuing and checking off each ambition written on a scrap piece of paper that reflected what our hearts so tightly held on to. I will never be pleased knowing my heart is so full of passion that I'm not chasing.

     The average person agrees with routine because there is no element of surprise. No chance of sudden change. No chance of swerving away from our comfort zone. I've never been one for the rules of routine. I crave rebellion from the typical lifestyle. So these feelings lead me to make a decision. Do i want the element of surprise? Do I want to take chances and throw ordinary living to the wind? Of course. I want to feel the satisfaction of writing a completion date next to every goal written on that page. Sitting in the cubicle of routine gives me nightmares. Nightmares that I will waste the only life I'm given by constantly wishing away my life, instead of living the life I constantly wish about. I want to be free from the chains of a life that leaves no legacy. The time to start making a difference in your life as well as others is at the end of this sentence.

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them."